


Wonderland (can make or break you)

by Not_Crazy_Just_a_Fangirl



Series: The Heart of a Con [4]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Gen, Neal has issues, neal needs to stop thinking, neal's past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-05-25
Packaged: 2018-01-26 12:57:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1689140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_Crazy_Just_a_Fangirl/pseuds/Not_Crazy_Just_a_Fangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When faced with a problem, Neal's first instinct has always been to run away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wonderland (can make or break you)

Neal was no stranger to this game. He'd been in it since birth, even if he didn't know it. He wasn't even sure who he was anymore, Neal Caffery (conman, son of a dirty cop come to live up to a legend, a felon with a moral code, the legend that got caught, who sold his soul for a girl, the traitor who worked for the FBI), or maybe Nick Halden (thief and conman, rich, fencer, slipped through cracks and never left a trace, no one even has a fingerprint yet, come to think of it, he's not sure Neal Caffery does either), He grew up as Danny Brooks, a witsec name, art prodigy, disappeared at 15 about to graduate early, a genuis, quick and nimble, could sing and knew how to hotwire a car since he was 7. The only thing they had in common was looks, morals, a hidden past and art (maybe the only reason he didn't completly lose it). 

Maybe if he never knew he wouldn't have run, he might have a real, true painting of his hanging in a gallery with his name signed proudly (but what is his name?), maybe he would have been a cop, and he could have gotten his happy ending the honest to goodness way. But it's in his blood and he learned the truth so he ran, changed his age, changed his name to the only truth he ever knew (Caffery, his dad's last name. Neal was a name he found on a burnt scrap of paper in Ellen's wallet that had the faint edge of a hospitale seal on it). He ran, away from lies and a bittersweet life he thought was his, but was never real, away from St. Louis and everything he ever knew. And Mozzie finds him, all because of "find the queen" a game he mastered at 5 years old (maybe she was training him all along) and he gets his first taste of the underworld. And he likes this part, the acting and playing the cards of a game were only you know the rules. Having power and getting away with it all. The thrill and adrenilin.

He meets Kate and his world kind of shatters cause he loses himself to the con, and wants so bad for it to be real, and she breaks his heart, and he knows he's always going to chase her like a ghost. Always there but never close enough to touch. She blew up in a plane a year ago, and he's still holding on to the bottle wondering if it really meant goodbye after all. (He was a lost boy trying to make it in wonderland, wrong fairytale, wrong ending and he's still looking for that second star to the right.) He's starting to think that the city lights are too bright and that this world is too dangerous for a kid (not that he'll ever tell) when the underworld (it stopped being wonderland when he learned it was do or die, like he was Alice facing down the jabberwocky but Hatter sold him out and the Red Queen wanted to eat him alive) gets wind of him, a legend's son, a master forger, innocent (not so trusting though), easy to play (they think), and a legend in the making. Well he ran for six years and they caught him because a girl tripped him up, they think of him as a kid then, still thinks love will conquer all and that he can still get a happy ending without hurting anyone. In the four years he's inside he learns a few things, love will break your heart (but he won't give up), emotions are weakness (he won't show them), and you've got to grit your teeth and lie straight through them to get the truth, to get away from pain. 

You're always either running away or running towards something in this life. And, you're never, ever safe. Because there isn't any fairytale here. He starts to wonder whether the "blood runs too deep" rule outweighed the "good guy does bad things for love" thing. He remembers Alex too, a best friend and partner, different then Mozzie, who saw right through him and lured him with the siren song of the music box, the girl who's heart he broke when he ran away from St. Louis (neither of them with admit to that though). He remembers Keller too, a best friend of his once. Old habits die hard, they still can't completly rat each other out, and Keller still can't kill him. A competition, a game that relies on the flip of a coin, enemies now but parallel. Exactly the same but completly different. Their fathers were partners, he guesses it's inevitable. But it's dangerous, because he's friends with a suit (he thinks), and now he knows all the tricks and trades of both sides, he's a genuis kid with all the knowledge of the law and morals codes as well as how to con and get away with it.

It makes him valuable, and a risk. A liability. He's starting to remember why he ran away. Because he hates this. The lies, and secrets, and not trusting, and caring too much that it hurts when he knows the truth. The breaking people's hearts and hurting them because it's against his very nature to be anything else no matter how hard he tries. He's learned that once your in on either side, you can't get out without hurting someone. So he takes risks and plays both sides because he's never been able to make that choice and he just laughs because he can't cry or scream. And he acts like a kid turning the music far too loud, and he acts like a man who's seen far to much with the haunted eyes. He can't stand blood because it reeks of broken dreams, and promises, and goodbyes left unsaid. It means someone got hurt because of him, that's the last thing he wants. He wants out but he wants to stay, he loves the chase, and the story but hates the endings because no matter how happy someone always ends up dead or hurt or broken hearted with that bittersweet flash of blood spilled over the pages and he needs it gone. Because the one thing he never was is a killer. Never a villian. But never the hero. He was, is, a kid that still wanted to believe in true love and good intentions with bad outcomes. That wanted everyone to get a happy ending and never hurt. He could never betray a friend, even if said friend was a traitor. But he never knew where to end the story to get the ending he wanted, so he ran, so not to face the pain. Nothing but his memories. And he'll see pictures and laugh because he can't cry and you'll wonder the name and story to it. But he'll never tell. No one but himself knows the entire story, but if they saw the little boy with bright blue eyes with honest to goodness wishes and hopes and dreams for the world, they thought him beyond redemtion. But the little boy was still there, he was just tainted. Doomed by the very blood in his veins to never have the ending he wants and needs. Doesn't mean he won't keep trying though...


End file.
